Never An Inappropriate Time to Feel
This morning was definitely not the time to have a breakdown as I was getting my kids and myself ready to hit the road to finish moving all of our stuff from Dallas to Houston. But my body, heart and soul had other spectacular plans.
As my kids waited not so patiently, arguing over who is sitting where in the car, all I could do was sit on the floor of my bathroom and cry tears that I would have sworn I cried a thousand times already.
I didn’t want to cry these tears again but they obviously needed to be shed. I needed to release a deep pain that lurked in the shadows, waiting for the most inappropriate time to spring forward.
“We have to learn to listen to when our bodies and hearts are giving us clues to release those emotions that we have repressed, ignored and shamed ourselves out of feeling.”
But the thing is that it’s never an inappropriate time. This pain, this hurt, this loss, this wound that I had been applying balm of false hope to that prevented its healing couldn’t take anymore of the medicine that placated my mind but not my heart.
We have to learn to listen to when our bodies and hearts are giving us clues to release those emotions that we have repressed, ignored and shamed ourselves out of feeling. Those difficult ones that our parents may not have shown us how to process, deal with or express. Or maybe they didn’t allow us to express them at all.
So I sat there and allowed the emotions that I hadn’t noticed shoved in a dark corner to flow.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
The sadness of knowing that it was over. The grief over the death of dreams I had for us. The pain over not being able to hold the babies that we lost and knowing that we will never get that opportunity again. The longing of him holding my hand while he drove, absentmindedly kissing my hand between singing off key. The wanting of his hands stroking my thigh. The anger that we were separated by our own destructive tendencies. The heartbreak of losing my best friend. The resentment that our love couldn’t be stronger than pride. The disappointment that he felt he couldn’t talk to me. The embarrassment that I wasn’t worth laying down his ego for. The worry that he will never heal those parts of him that hold him back from being the man he wants to be. The frustration that my love for him just wasn’t enough. The forgiveness for both of us that I need to continue to practice. And the conclusion that no matter what, I will always have love for him.
“I was never asking for too much or more than I was willing to give.”
And as those feelings flowed, they made way for me to realize even though I have my own issues that played a role in how things ended, I was never asking for too much or more than I was willing to give.
It wasn’t too much to want to communicate my needs, wants, feelings and when I felt hurt. It wasn’t asking too much to want to be considered. It wasn’t asking too much to desire intimacy with him. It wasn’t asking too much to want to be romanced. It wasn’t asking too much to want his words to align with his actions. It wasn’t asking too much to want his undivided attention when I had something important to say. It wasn’t asking too much to want him to remember those important days and events that meant a lot to me. It wasn’t asking for too much to want consistency. It wasn’t asking too much to want reciprocity. It wasn’t asking too much not to wonder where I stood or the role I was supposed to play in his life.
Too often we are conditioned to think that we are asking for too much when in reality what we are asking for is the bare minimum in order for us to feel seen, appreciated, heard and loved. Wanting to know where the relationship stands and where it is going, not feeling like an option, wanting to receive the same energy and consideration we put into a relationship, wanting to communicate even when things get difficult, having someone who listens – these are all things that we should have in a relationship. What it boils down to is asking these things of someone who either doesn’t have the capacity, the willingness or the know how to provide these things.
While all of this put me hours behind, it was absolutely necessary in that moment. I didn’t rush through the emotions. I didn’t deny myself the opportunity to reflect on and let go of what needed to released. I didn’t shame myself for still feeling these things. I didn’t allow guilt of making my kids wait push me out the door when I wasn’t ready. I didn’t allow my ego to place blame.
I allowed the tears to run down my cheeks while sobs shook my body. I let my mind take its time to process what my heart was feeling and what my body needed to release. I accepted that I needed to experience those feelings right then and there instead of putting more balm on them. Then I took the time to ask myself what all those feelings were trying to tell me and what I needed in that moment.
And in the end, it inspired me to write a poem for a book that I hope to release next year.
So Queen, what do you need to allow your heart and body to release? What feelings have you been ignoring or harboring that need to come to the surface? What are these feelings trying to tell you?
