Before the Wealth Comes the Unbecoming

I had this plan to write one blog post about how midlife women can become more financially savvy by rewriting their money stories. Simple. Clean. Done.

But as I sat down with my friend Kaméla Scarbeck, a financial strategist with the Fitzpatrick Group, I realized this was bigger than that.

Each question I posed kept circling back to a recurring theme: mindset. The guilt and shame we as women carry around money. Our desire for it. Building wealth. And recognizing money for what it actually is—a tool that affords us freedom.

And when, after the third time, Kaméla came back to this statement: “You cannot want the change for them more than they do,” I knew I had to approach this whole thing differently.

Because here’s what I’ve learned in my own continuing journey toward financial freedom:

I had to first unbecome the old narratives. I had to shed the generational conditioning that made me feel like I was just fated to be “bad with money.”

I had to pause and sit with those feelings—the shame of growing up poor, of not being as financially secure as I’d ideally like as a woman in her 40s—so they could give me the clarity I needed to release them.

As I removed one layer, it made room for me to receive knowledge and move to the next step. Then another layer would reveal itself, and I had to learn to embrace the pivot. To be okay with saying, “Okay, this worked for this moment or season, but now I need to shift.”

Because here’s the truth: Just like all the other areas of your life, your financial “awakening” happens in layers. Pivots. Zigzags. Ups and downs. All the things.

Yes, I could make this a one-and-done type of post. But that’s not how the path of alignment works. Nor do I.

I’m not here to shove a map of a strange land in your hand and say, “If you just start walking that way, you’ll get there.”

As a guide, I’m walking beside you from a place of: I’ve been there. As I grow and evolve, I still go back there. And if you’re currently there, I’m grabbing your hand and we’re moving forward together.

So I’m breaking this down into a mini-series that will cover:

Part 1: The Unbecoming of a Broke Mindset (this post) – Releasing the old stories
Part 2: Opening to New Perspectives – Making space to receive new wisdom
Part 3: The Aligned Actions – Taking steps that honor your design
Part 4: Maintenance/Integration – Staying on the path when old patterns try to pull you back

This is your invitation to walk this path with me. Not because I have it all figured out. But because I’m doing the work—and you don’t have to do it alone.

The Money Stories We Inherit

I grew up as a poor kid—and I carried that like a badge of shame for most of my life.

As I write this, I’m struck by how heavy that badge was. And how it was never even mine to carry. Yet it subconsciously affected my choices in every area of my adult life, including relationships.

The sayings got handed down from generation to generation like a cherished family heirloom:

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Money is the root of all evil. Rich people are greedy and selfish.

And though my family may not want to hear this, in some ways, religion played a part in our scarcity mindset and settling for “good enough.” There was a subtle messaging that struggling financially was somehow more virtuous. That wanting more was selfish. That we should be grateful for what little we had instead of believing we deserved abundance.

Financial education? Learning how to balance a checkbook? How to stay out of debt? What was that? Because it was never part of any conversation.

What I DID learn was how to be frugal. How to make things stretch. How to go without. And I can’t say I’m not grateful for those skills—they’ve served me in seasons where I needed them.

But I also learned that money was something to fear. Something that was scarce. Something to avoid looking at. Something that never stuck around long enough to feel safe.

So as an adult? I became an avoidant.

If I couldn’t see the debt, it didn’t exist. (I’m laughing as I type this because wow, the denial was REAL.)

When I got married, I was tasked with handling the budget. My husband became completely hands-off, and I secretly think he was waiting for that moment to wash his hands of the responsibility. Because if you aren’t part of the planning and execution, how can you be held accountable when it all crumbles?

At first, I saw it as a positive: “I get to be in control of the money.”

But it wasn’t a one-person responsibility—especially for someone who was:

Still carrying the weight of shame from childhood
Operating in ignorance about how money actually works
Using shopping as a coping mechanism
Not trusting herself with money

And that little inner voice? The one I’d been hearing since childhood?

“You’re just bad with money.”

It was louder than ever. And I believed it.

The Shame/Guilt/Fear Trifecta

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I carried plenty of shame around money from growing up poor.

The thing about shame is that it becomes more than just a feeling when you carry it long enough. It becomes a belief that you ARE the thing you feel shame about.

And when you believe you’re “poor”? You make poor decisions based on fear and lack. You operate from scarcity even when you have enough. You can’t see opportunities because you’re too busy bracing for the next loss.

But it wasn’t just the childhood shame I was carrying.

Add to that the shame that SOCIETY places on women when they desire to build wealth. When they want to enjoy the freedom and empowerment that comes from gaining and utilizing the tool of money.

I was always told to be grateful for what I had—as if gratitude and desire for more are mutually exclusive. They’re not.They can and do coexist.

But when we’re shamed and cautioned against wanting wealth to be part of our well-being, we’re being conditioned to:

Be dependent
Shrink ourselves
Not have wants, needs, or desires
Accept that wanting more makes us selfish, money-hungry, gold diggers

Then we settle for “good enough” to protect ourselves from the unspoken question: “Who does she think she is?”

Which is really fear of the judgment we know we’ll face.

But I’ve learned: No matter what I do, I will face judgment from somebody, somewhere, somehow. So I might as well chase what I actually want instead of shrinking to avoid criticism I’m going to get anyway.

Then in my marriage, I added the sting of guilt.

Guilt for failing at budgeting OUR household properly. Managing OUR financial security. Not saving enough for OUR future.

Yet I was the only one doing the work.

There was no praise when we had enough. But I could feel the weight of my husband’s unspoken question hanging in the air when I got it wrong, when he couldn’t do or buy the things he wanted:

“How could you screw this up?”

I remember once—after “nagging” him yet again that he didn’t plan things, didn’t take me out, didn’t spontaneously surprise me with little gifts or gestures to show he actually loved me—he said: “Well, I never know what we have or what I can spend.”

I quickly replied: “We can always have weekly budget meetings and do this together.”

That argument became a moot point real fast.

Because here’s what he really meant: “I don’t want the responsibility of knowing. I just want to be able to blame you when there’s not enough.”

And when I pushed back—when I dared to say “Don’t ever make it seem like we’re a burden, like we’re the only reason you have to work. If you were single, you’d still have to work. You’d still have to budget. You’d still have to cook, clean, manage a household—or pay someone to do it for you, which would require MORE money”—suddenly I was the ungrateful one.

This is the guilt so many women carry in relationships around money:

We’re told our labor has no value because it doesn’t come with a paycheck. We’re made to think we should naturally want to perform this labor selflessly, endlessly and with a grateful heart because we are “wired for it and it’s our purpose on this earth. We’re made to feel like burdens for needing financial support while simultaneously being expected to manage all the invisible work that ENABLES our partners to go earn that paycheck.

And when we ask for partnership? For shared responsibility? For acknowledgment?

We’re met with: “I’m the one bringing home the money. What more do you want?”

The guilt didn’t stop there.

When I started learning about debt and credit, instead of prioritizing my OWN financial empowerment, I focused on fixing HIS credit. Clearing up HIS debt. Writing the letters. Making sure what they said was owed was actually owed. Negotiating down terms and rates.

He had no interest in any of this—even though it was HIS financial file.

But this all tied into the “good wife” conditioning, didn’t it?

Because “at least” he brought home a paycheck, right?

“At least” I had a roof over my head.

“At least” he wasn’t actively sabotaging our finances.

“At least.”

Those two words kept me carrying guilt that was never mine to carry. Doing work that was never mine alone to do. Believing that my worthiness was tied to how well I could manage what he refused to help manage.

And beneath all the shame and guilt? Fear.

Fear that if I stopped carrying it all, everything would fall apart—and it would be MY fault.

Fear that wanting financial freedom made me selfish.

Fear that if I prioritized my own financial empowerment, I’d be seen as abandoning my family.

Fear that if I stopped performing “good wife,” I’d lose whatever security I had.

Shame. Guilt. Fear.

That’s the trifecta that keeps women stuck in financial dependence, in unreciprocated labor, in relationships where they’re made to feel like burdens for existing.

And until we name it, see it clearly, and choose to release it?

We stay trapped in the very stories we’re trying to rewrite.

Being the Source of Your Own Change

Here’s the truth: I’ve received plenty of great financial advice over the years.

But none of it mattered because I still wasn’t fully ready.

I wasn’t ready to face what I had avoided all my life:

Sitting in stillness to name the emotions money evoked in me
Determining their source
Acknowledging how they were keeping me blocked from the abundance I was capable of creating
Accepting accountability for how my avoidance was going to keep me at arm’s length from what the Universe was willing to give me

That was all a bit much. I mean, who did I actually think I was—an adult?

(I’m laughing as I type this, but also… ouch.)

In my post “Going Beyond Consuming Content: How I Had to Actively Choose to Be Ready For Change,” I write about why no amount of advice works if you don’t want it more than anyone else wants it for you.

And in my conversation with Kaméla for this series, that was the recurring theme that kept coming up.

“Women always tell me, ‘I need to do my research,'” she said. “And I’m like, oh yeah, because Google is definitely going to provide you with the facts you need 100%.”

This is where we get stuck in the cycle of consuming instead of actually changing.

We try to make sure we’re taking the “perfect” next step because we fear the judgment we know is coming. We research endlessly, collect information, and convince ourselves we’re “working on it”—when really, we’re avoiding taking action.

In comparison to men, Kaméla stated: “I think men were blessed with a little bit more ignorance. They’re more likely to act first, think later. And I think when it comes to finances, that’s kind of a good thing because at least there’s action. They’re throwing themselves out there. It may not be good or right. But they’re doing something.”

And honestly? There are no lies there.

I’m a researcher by nature (the 1/3 Investigator/Martyr Projector in me). So I would compile all the notes, facts, and opinions—and then, in typical limited-energy Projector style, I would burn out. Once again knee-deep in tons of information but no decision made.

I hadn’t learned to follow my splenic authority: Get the instant yes or no from my body FIRST (take the action), THEN research why I made the decision. And if you’re not a Projector? The principle still applies: Trust your gut, take imperfect action, course-correct as you go.

So here’s what had to shift:

I had to stop consuming content about breaking the cycle of generational poverty and creating wealth from a perspective of “someday” or “well, that’s great for them” while feeling like my situation was hopeless.

And I had to start taking one small step at a time:

Paying this bill on time to avoid late fees
Switching the minimal savings I did have to a high-yield savings account
Looking at my debt instead of avoiding it

I had to reach a point where it was no longer a guilt-ridden “I should” motivation driving me, but an “I MUST” get my shit together if I truly want financial freedom.

(And FYI: Using shame or guilt doesn’t work. They should never be used to usher in change. It’s not a sustainable method.)

I also had to allow the grip of shame to loosen so I could ask for help instead of trying to do it all on my own.

Conditioning made me feel like I was asking for too much just for existing at times, so I always felt bad for asking for help. I didn’t want to be viewed as weak or helpless.

But that’s not what asking for help is about.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to ask for help when you’re used to doing it on your own for so long. Even though my whole body was weary from carrying the shield I’d put up—even though I could barely continue to hold the weight of hyper-independence—it still felt safer, more doable than putting down the shield and allowing people to witness that I was NOT the superwoman they’d labeled me.

Because I was anything but a superwoman.

And I no longer had any desire to play that role.

Not in my marriage. Not with my money. Not in any area of my life where I’d been performing competence while drowning in shame.

That’s when I knew I was ready—not 100%, but ready enough—to stop consuming advice and start actually changing.

Unbecoming What You No Longer Wish to Carry

But choosing to be ready and actually doing the work of unbecoming? Those are two different things.

And the unbecoming? That was where the real transformation began.

There was so much to release and let go. Sometimes it felt like I was losing every piece of me, everyone around me. I had moments where I would waver and zigzag between surrender and holding on for dear life.

You reach this point where you find yourself knowing logically you need to let go—while clutching those pieces to your chest.

You ask:

Who am I without these stories?
Without this role?
How can I prove I’m worthy when I’m not performing?
And how do I cope with discovering that those who claimed to love me only truly loved the role I played?

(I’m not going to lie—that last one is a very bitter pill to swallow.)

But as I sat with those questions, allowing the ridiculousness and audacity of them to truly sink in, allowing myself to do the math of what they cost me and stripped me of—my unbecoming became bigger than any loss I would face.

What Releasing My Money Stories Looks Like

Yes, I meant that in the present tense—because I am still a work in progress.

I do not preach from a pedestal. I guide from the trenches.

And my money story? That’s a trench I’m still in. I have no shame about that now.

This money series is not only a tool for you—it’s a testament to how powerful the Becoming Framework I’ve built from the trial and error of lived experience actually is. It’s proof of how aligned you become to life-altering perspectives, opportunities, people, and connections when you have the courage to change your story.

And the recognition that I have the power and permission to change and rewrite my story anytime I please.

I GOT TO KNOW MY CHARACHTER, THE ROLES SHE PLAY, AND THE STORY I WAS TELLING-INTIMATELY.

If you don’t even know what roles you’re playing or the stories you’re telling, you will not know how to unbecome and rewrite them.

Self-awareness is everything. And most of us want to believe we know ourselves and what we want, yet we subconsciously sabotage our own happiness without knowing why.

I had to examine my past—my childhood, my interactions, my relationships—to get to the source of where my money stories came from. What current situations, thoughts, and patterns were perpetuating them. I had to acknowledge and be aware of the sneaky ways that lack and scarcity creep in.

I had to choose, over and over again, to get to know what I’d avoided for so long.

I WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING.

This is where the power of journaling shines for me.

Having a thorough record of your thoughts, dreams, patterns, behaviors, and habits is pivotal to:

Knowing yourself
Catching those negative thoughts and emotions
Keeping track of how often they show up, when, and what may have triggered them

I write, take photos, or make voice notes of my thoughts, feelings, and conversations throughout the day—even quotes that pop into my head, song lyrics that catch my attention, signs I see. I just never know when that random sign on the side of the road may bring clarity. (I cannot tell you how often this happens to me.)

Before I go to bed, I dump everything into my Day One digital journal. While I do love writing things by hand, I’ve found this method works best because I can search for words and phrases.

Once a week, I search to see if there’s repetition of words like lack, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed—and how often they’re showing up.

That’s how I catch the patterns before they catch me.

I FINE-TUNED MY SELF-AWARENESS FOR CURIOUSITY, NOT JUDGMENT.

I stated this before, and I’ll state it again because it’s vital to unbecoming: Self-awareness is everything.

But we often don’t want to become aware of how we’re operating, thinking, and feeling because—let’s be honest—we can be our biggest and harshest critics.

With judgment comes guilt. And prolonged guilt morphs into shame.

This is why seeking to understand and be aware from a place of curiosity is important.

When you’re genuinely seeking information from a perspective of wanting to understand, you ask questions like:

Why do I continue to do this?
What need is this behavior trying to meet?
Is this really my story, or one I was given?

Questions that don’t really seek answers but condemn sound like:

What is wrong with you?
How could you be so stupid/careless/thoughtless?
Well, what did you expect?

Self-awareness is about building yourself up to align with what you truly are—not tearing yourself down and saddling yourself with shame.

I PAUSE IN THE MOMENT TO REWRITE, REFRAME, AND REPLACE.

Trust me, I get it. I can hear some of you saying, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

As a homeschooling mom of 5 (with kids on the autism spectrum), a multi-passionate entrepreneur trying to establish and run multiple businesses, a blogger, and wearer of many other hats—I KNOW taking a moment to sit with something in silence for even one minute can feel like an impossible feat.

But now that my self-awareness of who I am in and out of alignment is at a point where most times I can feel the very instant I’m being triggered, lowering my frequency to engage with someone, or when a negative thought pattern has entered my mind—those pauses have almost become requirements.

Having those real-time realizations and conversations with myself means:

I have more awareness of what actually triggered it
I can more accurately name what I’m feeling in the moment
I can immediately reframe the thought instead of stewing over it all day
And if it involves having a conversation with one of my kids, I can model how replacing a negative thought or reframing an unpleasant or overwhelming situation looks—instead of just trying to tell them

It doesn’t have to involve a long, drawn-out process. Sometimes 30 seconds is all I need.

But those little pauses that give you the space to process, reframe, pivot, and realign? They do wonders.

It’s another one of those things we have to actively choose to do—even when we’re rushed and have a long to-do list.

There are times I’ve had to walk away from my boys having an all-out fist fight and sit in stillness to reframe what’s going on and replace the thoughts I’m having of wanting to charge in yelling and screaming—only to have them be the best of friends five minutes later while I’m still pissed.

(That’s parenting for you. 😂)

The Invitation

So I’m asking you—as someone who’s been in the trenches, who’s still working through her own money stories, who knows how heavy that shame can be:

What is your current relationship with money costing you?

Not just in dollars and cents. But in:

Self-trust?
Peace of mind?
The life you actually want to live?
Your children watching you operate from scarcity instead of abundance?

Where will you be in 6 months, a year, 2 years if you keep telling yourself the same stories?

“I’m just bad with money.” “I’ll never get ahead.” “At least I have…”

And what would it look like to choose to be ready ANYWAY—not 100%, but ready enough—to start unbecoming those stories?

What if you:

Looked at your actual numbers instead of avoiding them?
Started journaling to catch the patterns instead of letting them catch you?
Asked yourself curious questions instead of condemning ones?
Took one small aligned step this week—just one?

Because here’s the truth I need you to hear:

No amount of financial advice will work if you’re still operating from the stories that keep you small.

No budget template will fix what shame, guilt, and fear have broken.

And no one can want your financial freedom more than you do—not me, not Kaméla, not anyone.

But if you’re reading this and something in you is saying “Yes, I’m ready—not perfectly, but ready enough to start unbecoming what I no longer wish to carry”—then start there.

Start with you. Start with honesty. Start with one brave, imperfect step toward rewriting the money story you’ve been telling.

Because you’re not broken. You’re not “bad with money.” You’re just carrying stories that were never yours to begin with.

And it’s time to put them down.

If you’re ready to go deeper into releasing the ‘at least’ stories and guilt that keep you stuck, I’ve created a guidebook with journal prompts, reflections, and exercises specifically for this work.

And if you need a kickass financial strategist that is on a mission to:

Disrupt the mideducation and nickel and diming of investing
Meet you exactly where you are and
Help you build wealth on your terms

Then I highly recommend having a conversation with Kaméla. She is hands down wicked smart and a beautiful person inside and out. Check out her Instagram @wealthandharmony.ks

In Part 2 of this series, we’ll dive into how to open yourself to new perspectives about money once you’ve created space by releasing the old stories. We’ll talk about building new relationships with wealth, finding the right support, and what it actually looks like to receive financial wisdom when you’re finally ready for it.

But for now? Just sit with this:

You are worthy of financial freedom. Of wealth. Of abundance. Of building generational wealth for your children. Of never having to settle for “at least” again.

And the only person who can give you permission to claim that?

Is you.