I remember clearly staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. My eyes swollen from the million tears I had cried in the last few days. They made my face look distorted, child-like, yet I felt old and weary. It had been three days since I had to say goodbye to my daughter Olivia who was stillborn at 20 weeks. Losing a child at any age or stage of pregnancy is something I wish that no one ever had to experience. It is nearly impossible to describe the mix of emotions you experience. Their intensity hits you like a powerful storm surge crashing against unsteady rocks. Staring at myself in that mirror with overwhelming sadness, guilt, anger, fear, hopelessness and thoughts of what if I just ended it all swirling around in me, I knew that I could never be the same woman I was before. That woman was unfired clay, smashed down and shaped into this woman that was currently staring me in the face.
I quietly searched the bathroom for my husband’s clippers so he wouldn’t stop me from what I felt compelled to do. I plugged them in and felt oddly soothed by the gentle hum they produced. With a final look at the old me I set to work in revealing the me I had become. As you can guess, I shaved off all of my hair. I watched the dark brown strands fall and swirl around me, littering the floor. With each pass of the clippers, I saw my new self emerge. She was still broken because only time and healing would lessen the pain but now there was something new only visible to myself. It was as if I was a soldier being pinned with a medal for surviving a battle I never wanted to fight.
I padded into the living room. I still felt heavy from all the emotions weighing me down but some how lighter from shedding my old self. My husband stared at me in shock. I could see that he was scared and confused at the same time. “What did you do?” was all he could finally ask after what seemed like an eternity of silence. All I could manage to whisper before the flood of tears began again was “I could never be her again”.
“It was as if I was a soldier
being pinned with a medal
for surviving a battle
I never wanted to fight.”
Trauma changes you. It can cause great suffering, depression, bitterness, anger and a whole host of other thoughts, feeling and emotions. Trauma is life-altering, messy and takes many people to the brink of despair but it can also change your life for the better. Trauma doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It can spark growth. It can be transformative. Trauma can be a powerful agent for change. Your life can actually be better after going through a traumatic event. It all begins with healing.
Now I do want to put these little caveats in here because I want to be completely transparent with you. Not all wounds will heal. We all know the saying: time heals all wounds but this is simply not true. I will never completely get over the agony of suffering through Repeat Pregnancy Loss and the stillbirth of my daughter no matter how much time has passed. Just isn’t going to happen. And healing doesn’t mean that you won’t suffer or struggle. In fact, healing can feel more painful than the trauma at times. Some days are not going to be easy. In fact, some days will be dark and unforgiving. Believe me, I have been there. BUT you can reach a place where you can reflect back on the traumatic experience, it no longer has the devastating effects it once had over your life.
If you are truly ready to put in the work to heal and have tried several strategies to jumpstart the process to no avail, you may be trying too hard to reset your life to its previous operating mode when you need a new one. What I mean is that you may need to stop trying to be the person you were before “it” happened. This is a sure fire way to prevent yourself from healing. Ask me how I know. You are a different person now, forged in fire by trauma. You will take on a new shape, you will experience things and life in general from a new outlook. You may discover parts of yourself that you never knew existed, tapping into strength, talents and ideas you didn’t know you possessed. Embrace and use them for your healing. Your priorities can suddenly shift. Where you once were purely focused on your career and making money, now you focus on your own needs and those of your family or loved ones.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
The transformation into your post-traumatic life can involve small, successive changes over time. You may not even notice their impact until you reflect over the growth you made. Eating healthier, repeating positive affirmations throughout your day and being more mindful are all examples of little changes that can have a big impact over time. Then there are major, “Am I actually doing this?” changes that completely alter your life. This may take the form of entering a new career path or starting your own business. Maybe you were an introvert but now you feel compelled to lead a national support group for others that have had the same traumatic experience as you. Moving to a new country? That is a huge change.
Your life after a traumatic experience will be different and things will change, but it doesn’t mean that those changes will be easy or even accepted. Remember that with change comes resistance. This is a natural occurrence. I have talked about this before but it bears repeating. There will be people in your life that will not like or understand the changes you are making. As long as you are making positive changes for the betterment of your life, do not let those people stand in the way of your healing. Consider that they may have their own unresolved issues or trauma that unintentionally compels them to prevent you from resolving yours. There’s also the chance that you may be standing in your own way by letting fear, doubt and overthinking paralyze you. Overthinking is my number one nemesis followed closely by fear. I have learned that if it scares the shit out of me and I’m constantly thinking “what if”, it’s the right move for me.
You can heal. You can grow. Don’t be afraid to release and shed the old you if prevents you from healing and holds you captive in a victim mentality. You can use the trauma to build a better life and to become a better version of yourself on your own terms and timeframe. It takes putting yourself in the right place or environment that will fuel and nurture your growth. Sometimes this means walking away from people and things that you never thought you would. Accept your transformation by changing your mindset and pushing yourself forward no matter how small or slow the steps are. Any movement forward is putting you closer to your goal of thriving, not just surviving, in your post-traumatic life.
Be unapologetically you,
