Reclaiming Your Worth: An Essential Step Towards The Life You Desire
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There I was enjoying my stay at a vacation rental with my kids. It had been a fun-filled day where we laughter way too hard, ate way too much and made memories that I hope my kids will treasure.
Later that evening after a gloriously hot shower, I stood in a complete stranger’s mirror and just stared at myself. The smile that graced my face earlier started fading. With a quick blink, I was now looking at a woman struggling and wrestling with a slew of thoughts and emotions. This woman was beyond sick and tired of just surviving. Beyond sick and tired of treading water. When finally finding a small island, some small fleeting promise of happiness to cling to, she was swept out to sea again. This woman was exhausted from searching the horizon for something, anything out there to keep her afloat. Her S.O.S. signals constantly fell on ears too filled with their own desperate cries to be of much use to her.
I continued to stare at this almost unrecognizable woman. In reality, she was me but not the me I saw when I envisioned my life. She was not the woman I wrote about in my vision journal or that I day dreamed about, talked about and just knew I was breathing life into.
“I just want someone to realize my worth” I heard an almost unrecognizable voice say out loud. This voice was small, broken and on the verge of complete despair. I saw a look of shock on my face as I thought to myself, that couldn’t be me.
But as soon as that voice faded away, I heard another voice. This time from somewhere deep within my body. It was voice I hadn’t heard from all that often since I let my family and the world mold me into what they wanted me to be. The voice was firm and resolute but in no way condescending or judgmental. She simply stated “No one is going to fully recognize your worth until you do”.
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“No one is going to fully recognize your worth until you do”.
And it finally hit me for real. Not like the other times where something sounded like the solution and I thought “oh maybe that’s why I feel the way I do”. No. This time it hit me like a Mack truck being pushed by a 100 car freight train going 100 miles an hour carrying bricks. IT. FREAKING. HURT. I wanted to immediately push the thought away. The realization felt so intense I felt like I needed to put the blame on anyone or anything other than myself but I couldn’t. So instead I decided to feel the pain, own it and sit with it so that this moment was permanently etched into my mind as “the catalyst” that finally pushed me past my stumbling blocks.
In that extremely painful moment I came to the conclusion that most people are not going to take the time to see in me what I could not see in myself. And while I am slowly shedding the notion of giving a fuck of what people think of me, what I thought of myself was a completely different story. I needed to know and feel my worth in order to become the woman I fantasized about being. There was absolutely no way I could step into the role of Shonnon Nicole feeling unworthy to be her. And what really pissed me off was how in the hell did I come up with this idea that I was unworthy?
Me unworthy of being ME?!? I know, it sounds absurd but that is basically what we are saying when we let feelings of unworthiness fester and grow into a belief system that hinders us. Many times we don’t even realize that what we chalk up to traits such as being shy or an introvert are actually a feeling of unworthiness.
While I am a borderline introvert, I have come to realize that I am not shy. It was an old narrative that was told to me and one I kept repeating throughout my life without realizing the real issue. I didn’t have any qualms about telling people exactly how I felt or opening up to them, when I felt secure and worthy of their presence. But if I felt insecure around someone, I didn’t feel that my voice, my thoughts nor my feelings carried the same value as theirs did.
“How was I walking around letting people hurt me over and over again because I didn’t want tomake THEM feel some type of way?”
Ok, WHAT?!? How was I walking around letting people hurt me over and over again because I didn’t want to make THEM feel some type of way? That somehow my feelings weren’t worthy of being discussed or considered? Seriously, let that shit sink in because I did. And the more I did, the angrier I got. I cussed myself out. For real. How dare I think that? I just let it flow and allowed myself to feel it all.
But as the anger subsided, I decided there was nothing I could do about what had already happened. I had allowed myself and others to view me as unworthy of being loved properly, of my time and feelings being respected and of my voice having a place in this world. But what I could do in that moment was decide that I never wanted to feel unworthy again. I could take steps to discover why I felt unworthy. I could forgive myself and appreciate me for who I was. I could stop blocking the abundance I was seeking by shedding the belief that I was not worthy of what I desired. It was up to me to correct my course towards cherishing all that I bring to the table. Because it’s a lot. And I had to become comfortable with walking away from tables that didn’t recognize that and start building my own.
We have all struggled with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness at some point in our lives. Whether it’s that compliment you quickly followed up with a negative comment about yourself, that promotion you talked yourself out of or that guy you didn’t approach, feelings of unworthiness can have an impact in all areas of our lives. We need to be able to feel worthy of all that we want to manifest otherwise it’s like putting up barriers between you and what you desire. While every healing journey is unique, I will share with you some ways that I took back some of my power by reclaiming and recognizing my worth.
The first step I took towards regaining my self-worth was to accept and acknowledge that I was downright angry with myself. I allowed myself the time and space to feel the anger. It is okay to feel negative emotion, just don’t stay there. I felt anger because the feelings of unworthiness didn’t align with who I truly am.
I forgave myself for all the times I didn’t deem myself worthy. For the times I didn’t set healthy boundaries. For the times I completely disregarded my feelings, pain and trauma because I prioritized someone else’s feelings over my own. I forgave others for capitalizing on the times I felt my needs and wants weren’t worthy of expressing. Forgive and let it go for yourself, nobody else.
Taking the time to do the deep work of discovering where these feeling of unworthiness came from was a game changer for me. I addressed the root cause instead of slapping a band-aid over an open wound again. Once I did, I learned how to reframe the stories of unworthiness I told myself. I sought out evidence of my self-worth and surrounded myself with reminders for those moments I forgot who the hell I am. This step brought me back to forgiveness of myself and others many times. It’s normal.
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I had to stop seeking my worth from others or things outside of myself. Whew Queens! This is a tough one because as humans we are wired to seek validation from others. And when that validation doesn’t come in the form we want or at all, this is where things can go seriously wrong with our thinking. Know that no matter what anyone say, does, doesn’t say or doesn’t do, you are worthy. Believe that because if you don’t, you cannot expect others to know it. You will continue to attract people into your life that will have no problem with providing you with evidence to the contrary.
Quieting the snide voice in my head that questioned “Just who do you think you are?” Is still not an easy task till this day. That Little B has planted many seeds of doubt in my head over the years. While her voice has lost a lot of its punch, every once in a while she hits me with a left hook that I’m not ready for. In these moments I stop and access the reason for doubting my worth. Is it fear? Do I think I will be judged? Am I lacking clarity?
While this voice is a survival mechanism to “keep us safe” from feeling shame, pain, judgment from others and a host of other feelings, it can also make us aim for perfection which is not obtainable. This in turn can erode an an already weak sense of self-worth. Once you start down the spiral of seeking perfection in yourself it is hard to get out of.
I also had to embrace taking care of myself and my needs by practicing self-care. As I had more kids, I let caring and taking time for myself become something I couldn’t do because it would be selfish of me. How dare I take time for an hot, uninterrupted 10 minute shower when I had mouths to feed, clothes to wash, a house to clean, yada, yada, yada? You get the point. I didn’t feel worthy of taking the time to bathe. Seriously! But nothing was farther from the truth. If you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot fully step into your self-worth.
Just taking the time to soak in a relaxing bath was a luxury I didn’t afford myself for a long time.
Know that even though I have made great strides towards reclaiming my worth, appreciating who I am and where I am in the the now and loving myself mostly unconditionally, I still have my moments where I question “Am I worthy of this?” or “Who am I to think this should happen for me?” I’m human and accepting that I am going to have setbacks helps me to rebound a lot quicker.
Queens, remember you are here to enjoy the journey to becoming the you that allows her dreams and desires to manifest into the tangible. In order for that abundance to flow in you have to believe that you are worthy of it. That dream house. Owning your own business. Having a healthy and fine ass body. That loving relationship. Building generational wealth. They all require for you to have faith in the process and in yourself. You have to know with every fiber of your being that you are worthy of obtaining it. Reclaim your worth. It is your birthright.
Be Unapologetically You,
