Allowing Feelings of Defeat Without Accepting Defeat

Allowing Feelings of Defeat Without Accepting Defeat

without accepting defeat

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

It was 12 years ago today, but I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. Rick and I were sitting in the waiting room of this cheery office that we were busy trying to keep an almost 3 year old Roarke from destroying. This appointment was long anticipated but wasn’t supposed to happen until the first of the year due to a long waiting list. A sudden cancellation got us in on this day but I didn’t want to be there. 

I felt that this day was reserved for the anticipation of another life changing event: the birth of our daughter Olivia. Instead of lying uncomfortably but eagerly excited in a hospital bed, I sat uncomfortably in a hard plastic chair staring at where my belly used to be awaiting news that I already knew in my heart to be true.

On this day, we were getting Roarke evaluated to see if he was on the autism spectrum. For a while I had already suspected that my extremely handsome, active, lovable little guy had special needs. At the time he still was not really talking, he had an obsession with lining up everything he could get his hands on and he had the tip-toe, hand flapping walk down to perfection.

When they gave us the results, it wasn’t a big shock to me but it still brought with it a sense of loss. So not only did I not have my daughter but I also felt that I lost a part of my son. I name October 21st DDD Day (Double Death of Dreams). When you lose a child, you also have to bury all the dreams and hopes you had for them. Similarly, discovering your child has special needs means that some of the dreams you had for them may not materialize. It’s heartbreaking to say the least.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

Throw into the mix of all the emotions from finding out I was newly pregnant with our second son Alex, I honestly was a mess. I wanted to be nothing but happy for this new little one but after a loss you are so wrapped up in the what ifs and going through a pregnancy with ignorant bliss is, unfortunately, a thing of the past. On top of that, having another child can never, ever replace the one you lost. That’s why “Well you can always have more” is such a painful statement for a woman who has experienced loss to hear. While this may be true, a child is not something that is replaceable and shouldn’t be treated as such just because the loss happened during pregnancy.

And while the emotions from that day can sometimes sneak up on me and feel as fresh as the day I first felt them, I came to accept the loss of those dreams and eventually began having new ones. I went on to 4 more kids in between 7 more losses and 4 more diagnoses of varying special needs. Talk about loss and recovery on repeat. 

Throughout the pain of loss and the defeating feeling of unmet expectations, I never let my mindset turn to one of defeat. I felt defeated at times, yes that’s only human, but accepting defeat was never an option. I wanted more kids and I did everything in my power to manifest that. I want my kids to live a happy and fulfilling life to the best of their abilities and I am designing, building and manifesting that into existence for them. And now as I work on myself, my healing, my growth, my self-love, prioritizing my needs and creating the life I want to live, everything I do is with intent towards my goals that push me closer to fulfill my life purpose.

And can I just say that I am really in the best stage of my life yet. I get teary eyed thinking about the progress I have made this year. I’m still a work in progress and most steps were taken in inches but an inch forward is an inch closer and I will celebrate that. 

Taking the time to get to know me, acknowledging and working with my strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses and working on aligning every detail of my life to align with how I want my life to flow is FREAKING HARD, but the freedom, growth and love that comes with it is immeasurable. There’s a switch. There’s a click. There is this moment of clarity. And then the alternative of staying static, stuck, broken, lost, watching my life from the sidelines, not accepting accountability, chained to generational curses, drowing in self-doubt and not caring for myself becomes an option that I am no longer willing to entertain.

Be Unapologetically You,

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