Photo by De’Andre Bush on Unsplash
When you hear someone mention the word self-love, what do you envision? A day of pampering yourself? Filling your Pinterest board with inspirational pins? Reading motivational books? While doing these things can be a part of your regimen, they don’t define what self-love is nor do they help you to achieve it.
Self-love is the act of appreciating yourself, accepting who you are and knowing your worth. It is all encompassing, meaning that you accept yourself as you are in all areas of your life: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and yes, even sexually. Self-love involves growth achieved through conscious awareness, acknowledgment and acceptance of your weaknesses and strengths so that you are better equipped to address your own needs and make them a priority.
I’m not going to lie, learning to love and accept myself while simultaneously working on areas of my life that I was not happy with has been challenging but worth every second. Loving myself enough to recognize that I had unresolved issues that were hindering my growth and gathering the courage to actually work through them was life changing. Seeing myself grow, change, readjust, refocus and grow some more took it to a whole new level. It is life giving.
Therefore, practicing self-love is not only important, but necessary. You learn to become responsible for your own happiness. If you haven’t learned how to make yourself happy, no one will be able to. In reality, why would you want to give someone else that job? When you love yourself you form a positive connection to your body, heart and mind. This in turn helps you to avoid forming attachments to and depending on people and things to fulfill you. Deciding to take back the responsibility for my own happiness was definitely a liberating moment for me. I had inadvertently relinquished that power to my husband and kids. As a result, I was constantly disappointed. This is not to say that they did not bring me happiness. They did and they do, but I never should have given them my responsibility.
Self-love also helps you to set healthy boundaries that are guidelines you put in place for how you expect people to treat you. This gives you the power to decide who comes into your space, how they treat you and when they should leave if they do not respect your boundaries. I am a huge believer in setting personal boundaries and I’m teaching my kids not only to set their own, but to respect other’s as well.
So what does self-love look like in action? Given that we all have unique, varying needs and those needs can change from day to day that will depend on you. Some things that help me achieve self-love may not fit your needs and that’s perfectly fine. Discovering what makes you feel happy, worthy and loved is part of the process of loving yourself.
While your self-love care book will differ from everyone else’s, taking the following steps will help you on your journey to forming a healthy, life-long, loving relationship with yourself and others. In turn, this will not only benefit you but those that you love.
- Mind what you think. Pay close attention to your thoughts and emotions and how you are feeling mentally and physically. Are you thinking positive or negative thoughts about yourself? When something happens to you, can you assess the situation without overreacting or judgement? Being fully aware of how you are feeling and thinking helps you regulate your emotions allowing you to tune into what you are feeling in the present without applying labels such as “right” or “wrong”. Many people practice mindfulness through meditation. I, on the other hand, prefer to write down what I am feeling so that I can read it back to myself from a nonjudgmental perspective. This helps me to question why I feel the way I do (this is really useful for negative and self-limiting thoughts).
- Focus on what you need. Loving yourself means knowing what your needs are and how to address them. When you take the time to focus on what you need, you can help break the cycle of learned behaviors that can leave you feeling stuck or that prevent you from progressing on your goals. Trust me on this. Learning what my needs were and prioritizing them was one of the most loving things I have done for myself.
- Set boundaries and enforce them. If you want to prevent burn out and keep energy vampires from draining you, set boundaries early and enforce them consistently. A lack of crystal-clear boundaries can lead to stress, resentment, anger, and feeling bitter. This is another one I’m going to ask you to trust me on. I’ve been that bitter, resentful woman. Not only are they terrible feelings but also hard feelings to rid yourself of.
- Take care of yourself. Self-care is an extremely important component of self-love. As one of my favorite writers, Audre Lorde, so fabulously said “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare”. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty about taking care of yourself. You know yourself and your needs best, so who else is best suited for the job of taking care of you? Think of your body as a temple and treat it as such. Feed it nourishing foods, keep it moving and rest when it’s tired. Care for your mental well-being by taking breaks to assess your thoughts when you feel overwhelmed. Learn coping skills that help you care for yourself emotionally. Spiritual self-care can involve developing a deeper understanding of your place in and connection with the universe, attending church services or meditation. And please, don’t forget about your sexual self-care. It is a part of you, care for it. Allow yourself to explore your sexual thoughts and feelings without labeling them as good or bad.
- Forgive yourself. It’s funny how we can be forgiving of others, even when there is no apology or remorse, yet we struggle to forgive ourselves. If you have made a mistake, learned your lesson and have grown in the process, do yourself a favor and stop punishing yourself. Forgive, forget and move forward.
- Trust your gut. Doubting yourself and overthinking can sabotage the best laid plans. I admit, I am an avid over-thinker. There are many opportunities I have missed out on because I doubted myself and kept thinking what if, what if, what if. Don’t let doubt cause you to ignore what you know deep down is right for you. Trust yourself to advocate for yourself.
- Let that sh*t go. Mental and physical baggage, fear, your painful past, that a**hole ex, toxic parents, a house full of crap that overwhelms you more than it brings you joy. Let that sh*t go. Seriously. Don’t let fear of lack make you hold on to things (or people) that no longer serve your needs. In order to receive what you really need and desire you have to rid yourself of what you don’t. Clear out your physical, mental and emotional space often.
- Stop comparing yourself. I know. This one is hard. Social media has made comparing yourself to others a joy sucking trap that is easy to fall prey to. Just remember, we all have ugly, crappy days and moments that we don’t let anyone see and your friends on social media are doing the same. You are only seeing a small, snapshot of their life. The whole picture may be completely different.
- It takes a village. If you’re anything like me, you try to do everything yourself. You have been dependent on yourself for so long that it’s hard to let people in even in your most down and out times. I get it. However, no matter how independent you are, you need to have the right people behind you to keep you motivated, be your sounding board and to support you throughout your journey. Your village should never leave you wondering if they have your best interest at heart or make you feel like they are reveling in your setbacks. Use surgeon like precision and cut people like that out of your life ASAP!
- Find what sparks joy in you and do it. Do you love the rush of creativity you get from drawing? Does being covered in flour while devouring a fresh muffin you made make your heart flutter? Love to sing karaoke with your friends on a Wednesday night after a long day at the office? Do it and do it often. It doesn’t matter if you can only draw stick figures or that every muffin is lop sided or that you sing horribly off key. If it makes you happy, do it. There have been times I have literally given myself a lecture for doing something I enjoy instead of checking off my to-do list. Why? Not once have I regretted those moments of bliss. You won’t either.
- Be intentional. Take your life off of autopilot and start asking yourself why. Why are you with this person? Why did you choose this job? Why are you constantly feeling behind the eight ball? Instead of just going through the motions of life, take time out to discover your purpose and the direction you want your path to follow. It’s not about having it all figured out. Nobody does. Just keep in mind what is important to you, make a conscious decision to live the life you want every day and do what feels right for you.
In conclusion, self-love is about being kind to yourself. Show yourself compassion and forgiveness when you make a mistake. Be patient when you aren’t progressing on your goals as quickly as you would like. Remember, self-love isn’t instant. It takes time, practice, and at times, deprogramming to reach a level where you can love yourself fully, accept yourself as you are and embrace the person you are becoming.