And So it Begins – Becoming Yourself

I’m going to be completely honest.

I am not the best writer. Not by a long shot. So it has taken me countless starts and restarts to FINALLY gain the courage to write about my thoughts and feelings. A lot of this (okay none of this) is not going to be poetry but it will be real and honest. I will probably jump around from subject to subject as things pop into my mind. Will it always be coherent? Mostly likely not but I can guarantee it won’t be boring. I would apologize in advance but I’ve already warned you so . . .

It’s scary sharing yourself with the world. Not the “best” of yourself that you post on social media but the “other” part of yourself. You know the part that is too much like your weird second cousin that everyone whispers about at family functions. The one that wears whatever they want, says exactly what’s on their mind and marches to their own beat that they make up on the fly. That one. The one that you secretly envy.

The only difference between you two is that your cousin is comfortable revealing that side of themself to the world. They want people to accept them for all that they are, “flaws” and all. You on the other hand, hide that side of yourself away so that no one ever really knows the true you. But why shouldn’t the world know the real you? How can you be living in true happiness locking yourself away? Shouldn’t people love all of you, not just the parts that are comfortable for them to love?

I say you but really these are all questions I asked of myself because I wasn’t living the life I was meant to live. I was not happy. And I’m still not completely happy but I’m getting there. Small steps and adjustments are taking me closer to my goal of living my life to the fullest.

It has taken many years of seeking (in all the wrong places and people), countless heartbreak and endless new discoveries to come to the realization that I, and I alone, am responsible for my happiness. To become who I was meant to be, I realized I need to make changes that involve putting my self care first, knowing my worth and loving myself enough to know beauty and strength when it’s staring at me in the mirror.

I came to the conclusion that the changes I needed to make had to be all encompassing: mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual because for me they are all interconnected.

Now with these changes comes pushback. Not so much from myself but from others that I let get comfortable tresspassing on my happiness. Stealing my identity and joy piece by piece until they molded me into the version of me they wanted me to be or that suited their needs. People tend to get a little testy when you stop conforming to their agenda and this can make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong. I had to set my mind at ease and realize I did nothing wrong. Simply put, I decided to put myself first for once and they got mad. Let them stay mad.

Unfortunately we all have a person or two in our lives that you will suddenly become too much for them to handle. I’ll let you in on a little secret: these are not the people you need in your life. You know exactly who these people. And if you don’t know, really pay attention to how people make you feel when they are around you. If you do an internal eye roll or you feel as if your inner peace has just ghosted you as soon as they walk into the room: tag they’re it! This person can be anyone in your life: a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, co-worker or that nosy ass neighbor.

When you really stop to examine how they make you feel, you may feel a sense of guilt or like WTF is wrong with me, especially if it’s a spouse or parent. You start to ask yourself probing questions like “Why do I feel so much anger towards my dad?” or “Why do I feel so stressed and annoyed whenever he is around?”. I know because I have experienced all these feelings and then some. I began to feel horrible and ask myself “Why am I being such a bitch towards this person?”. After talking to a friend, they made me realize that we all have many sides. Some people will say you are the sweetest person in the world. Others will think you are a complete asshole. Your attitude and whole demeanor unconsciously shifts according to who you are around and how they have treated you over time.

And just like that I had a serious light bulb moment.

Here I am feeling like shit because of the way this person makes me feel. I felt guilt for my attitude towards them. I was angry at myself for not being grateful for them. I was sad that I could no longer feel joy around them. Why the hell am I such a horrible person? Why, why, why? Have you asked yourself questions like this? Do you wonder how your mom, dad, spouse, brother, cousin, best friend or whoever can bring about such strong feelings that make you feel like shit? Trust me, I’ve been there.

But let’s take a moment and back up to that last question.

THIS PERSON MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT!

I don’t care who they are. Let’s let go of the guilt and start living a life where you are actually happy. Trust me, you are going to rock the boat and perhaps knock some people out of it. Either they are going to take a hard look at themselves and say “how can I adjust my stance to where we can be in this boat together?” or they are going to swim away. It’s their choice.

So where do you start?

What truly makes you happy?

How do you make changes to your life that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life?

How can you get those around you on board with your new goals?

Well, let’s find out together.